Cheers to 30

It's been some time since I've been here. I took a full-time job. Life became rushed. Ella became a toddler. My marriage grew thin. And, my heart questioned my goals. 

I just turned 30 this week. And, it wasn't scary or sad. I'm in a great place. A great life. Good friends. Wonderful family. Beautiful house. And, two amazing kids. The part that has me choked up is if I've really found my place in this world. I'm literally struggling with my identity. Not as a mom, wife, friend or daughter. But, as a person. 

My job is rewarding. I help spread the good word about a great non-profit serving kids. Telling stories. Gaining awareness. And, filling all the space in communications. It's demanding. There's a lot of work towards growth. t's a different side than my life before. It's more purposeful. But, with that comes less moments of cookie baking. Picking wildflowers. Visiting the local nature center. Less cuddles. Less kisses. Less smiles. Missed moments. 

Quality over quantity.

I repeat it daily. Hourly almost. My kids are growing at rapid speed. School has improved each of their independence. Enhanced their skills. Prepared them for life. A life without me at their side every hour. Every day. 

It's tough. Mainly on my heart.

I can't look at the swing set out back. It's filled with my days at home. Ella steadily rocking in the swing. A tiny smile glowing with contentment. Jack giggling down the slide head first. Hands and knees caked in dirt.

On the flip side, the new career has helped us finish our basement. Or, as Justin calls it, our adult bar surrounded by Chuckie Cheese. The toys have found a place to call home. And, when we don't pick it all up, I can't see it when I'm decompressing after bedtime. It's bliss. The new life also includes more spare change for family vacations and day trips to places. Without dipping into savings. 

I just keep teeter-tottering with my decision to work. I'm teaching my children a healthy lesson about life and purpose. But, I didn't make a summer bucket list this year. I'm finally contributing a substantial amount to our family bank. But, we haven't even taking our yearly camping trip. 

Ella has grown into an independent little girl, who knows how to put her older brother in place. And, has no problem telling you how she feels. If you tell her to sit down, she will. She's a Daddy's girl who yells at me to "go! Go Momma!" when she's ready for bed. Joins me to apply make up every morning. Rocks her babies more gently then I ever could. And, offers shushes and hugs when someone's in tears. Our little sweet and sour patch kid.

Jack is wise beyond his years. He's intuitive. Always right. A Momma's boy who's tough enough to handle four bee stings. Bates his own hook. Creates his own stage. Craves new experiences. Remembers everything, but looses all his favorite toys. And, is fascinated by the world turning. Our insightful little man.

I miss them all the time. But, am thankful we can take the train to the aquarium. Spend a long weekend in Traverse City. And, plan a trip to California. 

Cheers to 30. May I breathe in extra hard when those moments happen. And, feel proud to play a part of something extraordinary.